50 Secrets? Wow, they don't get out much!

Reader's Digest published a list titled "50 Secrets Pilots Wont Tell You," by Michelle Crouch; who, I guess needs to get out more. Or maybe not believe everything pilots tell her. Admittedly, if you are outside the aviation world, all of these might make some kind of sense, but wow, did I want to barf.

So, having given some foreshadowing of my reaction to the article, here are the quotes (with 'who said what,') and my honest opinion of them. *The Reader's Digest quotes are in blue, my responses are in black. If you can't get colors on your smart phone, or whatever, I can't help you. I am not based here, and am lost, too.

We asked 17 pilots from across the country to give us straight answers about maddening safety rules, inexplicable delays, the air and attitudes up there—and what really happens behind the cockpit door. What they told us will change the way you fly.

Good Lord, could you make it more dramatic? "change the way you fly?" Really? 95% of the people who read this will still continue to check the cheapest box on Kayak.com no matter what is on your website

“We miss the peanuts too.” -US Airways pilot, South Carolina

Midway Airlines had honey roasted peanuts... yeah, I would be pushing 300lbs by now....

What You Don’t Want to Know
“I’m constantly under pressure to carry less fuel than I’m comfortable with. Airlines are always looking at the bottom line, and you burn fuel carrying fuel. Sometimes if you carry just enough fuel and you hit thunderstorms or delays, then suddenly you’re running out of gas and you have to go to an alternate airport.” -Captain at a major airline

"...suddenly you're running out of gas and you have to go to an alternate airport." Yes, we are tight on fuel. Nearly all the time. Honestly, though, if there are chances of TRA or +TRA (thundershowers with rain, or thundershowers with intense rain (thunderstorms are considered intense, bar none,)) and you did not plan more fuel, or request more fuel, then you as PILOT IN COMMAND are at fault. Our job as Captains is to be the stopgap and plan for contingencies. Of course they want us to carry less fuel, because it takes fuel to carry fuel (They would love for us to carry no fuel... they are working on that.) If you fail to plan, then you fail, period. I know sometimes 'things happen.' That is why you plan for contingencies. If 'suddenly you're running out of gas' then you did not plan correctly. Don't blame the company, which is an evil you damn well know.

“Sometimes the airline won’t give us lunch breaks or even time to eat. We have to delay flights just so we can get food.” -First officer on a regional carrier

Sometimes we are delayed, and even the planned break (if you are fortunate enough to have one in your schedule) doesn't work out. Yes, we will delay flights to get food, either for my fellow pilot of for my Flight Attendant. Fuel for the airplane, food for my crew. After all, I have all day. ;)

“We tell passengers what they need to know. We don’t tell them things that are going to scare the pants off them. So you’ll never hear me say, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we just had an engine failure,’ even if that’s true.” -Jim Tilmon, retired American Airlines pilot, Phoenix

I also have never said the word 'turbulence' on the PA. I say 'bumps.' Turbulence is scary, it breaks airplanes, but bumps? Yeah, my car goes over bumps, no problem, right? So many people are discombobulated to begin with when they hit the airport, there is no need to add to their stress. Although if the engine did fall off the airplane, they might notice that.

“The Department of Transportation has put such an emphasis on on-time performance that we pretty much aren’t allowed to delay a flight anymore, even if there are 20 people on a connecting flight that’s coming in just a little late.” -Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina

This is also driven by the surveys that y'all fill out. Number one answer, for well over 30 years? Depart On Time. Not "depart with all the passengers on time," or anything like that, just depart on time. Mostly because people forget that who cares when you depart? If we depart an hour late, but manage to arrive on time (I've come close to that) then who cares what time you departed? There is a group in our Systems Operation Control called "Yield Management." They look at delays, crew and aircraft movement, cost of cancellations, etc, and they make the decisions on which flights get cancelled and which ones do not. The FAA might call and say 'AA needs to cut 35% of their flights between 3pm and 8pm' [like in a massive snowstorm.] Yield Management makes the decisions which flights get cut, which ones depart, which ones swap arrival times, all that stuff. Pilots, Gate Agents, FAs, Baggage peeps... we have no control over that. I had a passenger tell me the other day that we had given him 3 gate changes, and we always do that to just him. I told him "Yes, sir, we did. None of the other passengers on that flight mattered, neither did the ground crews, who have to juggle the connecting inbound and outbound bags, nor the fueling department, which has to chase the aircraft down, nor maintenance, which might have scheduled work to do, nor catering, and certainly none of the agents inside the terminal nor any of your fellow passengers mind running back and forth across the airport. It was all just for you." (BTW, you can see why a job in Customer Service might not be the best place for me.) And this was a day they were swapping out gates to just simply get flights in and out. Sorry.

“The truth is, we’re exhausted. Our work rules allow us to be on duty 16 hours without a break. That’s many more hours than a truck driver. And unlike a truck driver, who can pull over at the next rest stop, we can’t pull over at the next cloud.” -Captain at a major airline

This is actually under the old rules. We were allowed to be schedule 14 hour duty days, extendable to 16. Now they took a bunch of science and tightened that up a little bit. (FAs still do not have any laws restricting their time. As far as the FAA is concerned, they can be run 24/7/365. All their restrictions are contractual. )

What We Want You to Know “Some FAA rules don’t make sense to us either. Like the fact that when we’re at 39,000 feet going 400 miles an hour, in a plane that could hit turbulence at any minute, [flight attendants] can walk around and serve hot coffee and Chateaubriand. But when we’re on the ground on a flat piece of asphalt going five to ten miles an hour, they’ve got to be buckled in like they’re at NASCAR.” -Jack Stephan, US Airways captain based in Annapolis, Maryland, who has been flying since 1984

If USAir is still serving Chateaubriand, I cannot wait for the merger to be done! Gotta get me some of that! This is a 50/50 deal. Yes, FAs are up and about when we could hit turbulence 'at any minute (way to scare 'em, Jackie!!) If I remember my stats correctly, the #2 reason FAs end up taking trips to the hospital is sudden, unanticipated a/c movements on the ground. The #1 reason is turbulence in flight.

“The two worst airports for us: Reagan National in Washington, D.C., and John Wayne in Orange County, California. You’re flying by the seat of your pants trying to get in and out of those airports. John Wayne is especially bad because the rich folks who live near the airport don’t like jet noise, so they have this noise abatement procedure where you basically have to turn the plane into a ballistic missile as soon as you’re airborne.” -Pilot, South Carolina

Reagan National (DCA) is a piece of cake. I really hope that any pilot worth a crap is not challenged by landing there. Sure, the airspace around the airport is pretty unforgiving (fly over the White House, lose your job!.. or get shot down. Whoops!) but the airport itself is fun. If 'flying by the seat of your pants' means 'manipulating the controls of the aircraft so you can land,' then yes, you are. Most pilots enjoy a little skill work... and if they don't, then that is sad. One of the joys of being a pilot is.... (surprise!!) actually flying the plane! If you consider the Noise Abatement Procedure at SNA a ballistic missile departure, then you're doing it wrong. I am not a fan of it, but it is not dangerous, just stupid. Rich people problems around that place!

“At some airports with really short runways, you’re not going to have a smooth landing no matter how good we are: John Wayne Airport; Jackson Hole, Wyoming; Chicago Midway; and Reagan National.” -Joe D’Eon, a pilot at a major airline who produces a podcast at flywithjoe.com

If you can't get a smooth landing at MDW, DCA, or SNA (assuming you actually have enough time in your aircraft to have on average decent landings,) then you need to check your license at the door and go into another profession. Come on, Mr D'Eon, fly in my jumpseat, and we'll do a visual to 1, transition to 33, and I will land it with flaps 22, in the Touchdown Zone, make the turnoff at Sierra, or Kilo if they ask nicely. You won't even spill your coffee. Why? Because I can actually fly my plane.

“I may be in uniform, but that doesn’t mean I’m the best person to ask for directions in the airport. We’re in so many airports that we usually have no idea.” -Pilot for a regional carrier, Charlotte, North Carolina

But ask anyways! Maybe I am based at the airport, or maybe I am coming from the place you are trying to locate, or maybe you just want to know the way out! Even if I do not know the airport, I am used to airport signage, and can at least point someone in the right direction. Maybe. But you can always ask! Jeez, Mr Pilot for an unnamed regional carrier in Charlotte, just try a little bit.

“This happens all the time: We’ll be in Pittsburgh going to Philly, and there will be a weather delay. The weather in Pittsburgh is beautiful. Then I’ll hear passengers saying, ‘You know, I just called my friend in Philly, and it’s beautiful there too,’ like there’s some kind of conspiracy or something. But in the airspace between Pittsburgh and Philly there’s a huge thunderstorm.” -Jack Stephan

There also might be CHEMTRAILS! We fly between the cities, not just at the cities, so weather between them obviously could effect our flight.

“You may go to an airline website and buy a ticket, pull up to its desk at the curb, and get onto an airplane that has a similar name painted on it, but half the time, you’re really on a regional airline. The regionals aren’t held to the same safety standards as the majors: Their pilots aren’t required to have as much training and experience, and the public doesn’t know that.” -Captain at a major airline

"...aren't held to the same safety standards as the majors..."  Please, show me proof. If you cannot, then please do not make accusations such as this. Branded flying is a whole 'nuther kettle of fish.

“Most of the time, how you land is a good indicator of a pilot’s skill. So if you want to say something nice to a pilot as you’re getting off the plane, say ‘Nice landing.’ We do appreciate that.” -Joe D’Eon

Eh. Usually if a passenger says "Nice landing," we say thanks, but when out of earshot we'll say "What about my take off? That was a work of art!!" or "I had my eyes closed in terror the entire time, the FO had to coach me down!" We grade ourselves by our landings, and we grade against each other for fun.  The FAs will grade us, too ("Did we land, or were we shot down?") A simple "Thanks!" is great, or say "hi" on your way in. And please, let your kids see the flight deck... they are always welcome if I am flying; take their picture up there if it is their first flight, too.

“No, it’s not your imagination: Airlines really have adjusted their flight arrival times so they can have a better record of on-time arrivals. So they might say a flight takes two hours when it really takes an hour and 45 minutes.” -AirTran Airways captain, Atlanta

This is true. If the Gov't is tracking your arrivals for on time performance, and you can put some padding in there, then wouldn't you? It is not like getting you there early is a terrible thing!

When to Worry
“It’s one thing if the pilot puts the seat belt sign on for the passengers. But if he tells the flight attendants to sit down, you’d better listen. That means there’s some serious turbulence ahead.” -John Greaves, airline accident lawyer and former airline captain, Los Angeles

Yeah, don't get up if we tell the FAs to sit. That is what one of instructors calls a 'Clue Bird.'

“There’s no such thing as a water landing. It’s called crashing into the ocean.” -Pilot, South Carolina

This pilot needs to be smacked with something large. "Crashing into the ocean"?!?!?!?!?!? The term for a 'water landing' is ditching. There are procedures for it (depending upon the airplane you are flying,) and while not something we plan on doing (hard to reuse that plane!) and it is not like we practice it, it is there. "Crashing into the ocean"... ugh... 

“A plane flies into a massive updraft, which you can’t see on the radar at night, and it’s like hitting a giant speed bump at 500 miles an hour. It throws everything up in the air and then down very violently. That’s not the same as turbulence, which bounces everyone around for a while.” -John Nance, aviation safety analyst and retired airline captain, Seattle

If you fly into an updraft, and everything gets thrown up into the air, then it is turbulence. That is one of the definitions of.... turbulence. 

“Is traveling with a baby in your lap safe? No. It’s extremely dangerous. If there’s any impact or deceleration, there’s a good chance you’re going to lose hold of your kid, and he becomes a projectile. But the government’s logic is that if we made you buy an expensive seat for your baby, you’d just drive, and you’re more likely to be injured driving than flying.” -Patrick Smith

"Extremely dangerous." Extremely???? Wow. Strong word! I would say about as dangerous as having your seat belt undone. Yeah, if something happens it would be bad, but most of the time nothing happens. The gov'ts logic is correct, when viewed this way. A certain percentage of people would not fly if they had to buy a seat for their infant, and would drive. Driving is slightly more dangerous than flying, due to a number of factors, but including issues like; you are on the road much longer as a time factor, exposing you to more time for an accident to take place; Non-fatal car accidents are far more likely than non-fatal aircraft accidents once we get into 'you will have an accident' territory. It is not a terribly big issue. A number of FAs would disagree with me on that, but as a father and pilot I had no issues with my wife and I traveling with our infant son as a lap child. 

When Not to Worry
“Pilots find it perplexing that so many people are afraid of turbulence. It’s all but impossible for turbulence to cause a crash. We avoid turbulence not because we’re afraid the wing is going to fall off but because it’s annoying.” -Patrick Smith

Annoying and tiring and inconvenient and just basically not fun. Oh, and there is a minor... small... possibility that something might get 'bent' (see definition of 'Turbulence-Severe'.)

“People always ask, ‘What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?’ I tell them it was a van ride from the Los Angeles airport to the hotel, and I’m not kidding.” -Jack Stephan

Being in a van driven to the hotel in a snowstorm in Buffalo, NY, and almost skidding off the road at least a dozen times (and going down the interstate sideways, losing control numerous times, etc...) makes losing an engine in cruise-climb a walk in the park.

“I’ve been struck by lightning twice. Most pilots have. Airplanes are built to take it. You hear a big boom and see a big flash and that’s it. You’re not going to fall out of the sky.” -Pilot for a regional carrier, Charlotte, North Carolina

Most pilots have not. Airplanes have ways of dealing with it, but they don't like it. You are pretty certainly going to lose something... instruments, lights, something will check out for the rest of the trip. Modern aircraft are wildly electronic and lightning can play havoc with that. Or, nothing will happen. You just don't know.

We Don’t Get It
“Most of you wouldn’t consider going down the highway at 60 miles an hour without your seat belt fastened. But when we’re hurtling through the air at 500 miles an hour and we turn off the seat belt sign, half of you take your seat belts off. But if we hit a little air pocket, your head will be on the ceiling.” -Captain at a major airline

A little air pocket should not send anyone to the ceiling, although if you hit it right, everyone will be wearing their seat belts after you go through the pocket. I don't know many 'Captains' at major airlines who describe flying as 'hurtling through the air.'

“If you’re going to recline your seat, for God’s sake, please check behind you first. You have no idea how many laptops are broken every year by boorish passengers who slam their seat back with total disregard to what’s going on behind them.” -John Nance

or get a drink spilled into your laptop. Either would suck. 

“There is no safest place to sit. In one accident, the people in the back are dead; in the next, it’s the people up front.” -John Nance

In general, the people in the back are more likely to live. It mostly depends on how the accident develops. The people in the back are the 'last ones to the scene of the crime.' They are also most likely sitting on top of a bin full of bags, too. If the plane goes skidding off the runway into the trees, the people in the front will cushion the blow for the people in the back. BTW, pilots tend to die in very high numbers in accidents... we're the first ones to the 'scene of the crime.'

Advice for Nervous Fliers
“The smoothest place to sit is often over or near the wing. The bumpiest place to sit is in the back. A plane is like a seesaw. If you’re in the middle, you don’t move as much.” -Patrick Smith

Depends on the plane. Aircraft with under-wing mounted engines (737, 747, 757, 767,) tend to have their center of gravity near the wing (small physics lesson-- everything will rotate around the CG... so the back of the plane might go up, the front of the plane will go down, but the CG will experience relatively no movement, or only a little, like the pivot on a teeter-toter,) so the smoother ride will be over or close to the wing. On T-Tail aircraft, however, (MD-80, DC-9, EMB-145, CRJ,) the CG is aft, towards the tail, so the plane reacts like a diving board; soft towards the back, but the pilots are out at the far end of the diving board. You might get a few bumps, but our eyes are turning to jelly.

“If you’re a nervous flier, book a morning flight. The heating of the ground later causes bumpier air, and it’s much more likely to thunderstorm in the afternoon.” -Jerry Johnson, pilot, Los Angeles

Applies to summer flying far more than winter flying, but the advantage of morning flights is there are fewer delays, because they have not 'built up' over the course of multiple flights all day.

What Really Drives Us Crazy
“Please don’t complain to me about your lost bags or the rotten service or that the airline did this or that. My retirement was taken to help subsidize your $39 airfare.” -Pilot, South Carolina

Ouch, bitter. 

“Here’s a news flash: We’re not sitting in the cockpit listening to the ball game. Sometimes we can ask the controllers to go to their break room to check the score. But when I fly to Pittsburgh on a Sunday afternoon, the passengers send the flight attendants up at least ten times to ask us the Steelers score.” -Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina

The controllers in all odds actually have the game on right in front of them. I prefer to make up scores to games I know nothing about. 

“I am so tired of hearing ‘Oh my God, you’re a girl pilot.’ When you see a black pilot, do you say ‘Oh my God, you’re a black pilot’?” -Pilot for a regional carrier
Those Silly Rules, Explained

I had a passenger in Midland, Texas, say to my very pregnant FO (actually, it was her last trip before maternity leave would ground her) "They let little ladies like you fly?" My response of "I hear they are gonna let them vote, soon, too!" probably did not go over well. 

“We don’t make you stow your laptop because we’re worried about electronic interference. It’s about having a projectile on your lap. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get hit in the head by a MacBook going 200 miles per hour.” -Patrick Smith

Unsecured things fly around the cabin and hurt people. If our gear collapses on landing, we're gonna careen around a little bit before we stop, most likely. Be nice to strangers (and our FA, who happens to be all the way in front, and is the target of anything that will be unsecured if we suddenly stop.)

“People don’t understand why they can’t use their cell phones. Well, what can happen is 12 people will decide to call someone just before landing, and I can get a false reading on my instruments saying that we are higher than we really are.” -Jim Tilmon

Jury is out. We can hear GSM phones turn on in our headphones through the radios (honest, place a call while your AM radio is on in your car. Hear that? That is what our radios do, too. And our navigation equipment is based on the same radios. You do the math,) and I am pretty sure we could make the nav needles move around a bit. This is a combination of safety 'just in case' and practicality. Aircraft are measured very carefully for shielding and placement of antennas. They don't just put all those pretty little antennas all over the aircraft randomly, they are placed optimally to not interfere with each other, and they are not accounting for all kinds of random unshielded electronics devices. Also, cell phone towers are designed for 'line of sight,' so really a phone may be in range of 2 or 3 towers, but not more... at low altitude, you might be in range of a dozen or more, and cell phone companies don't need that kind of load on their systems. Just wait that extra 90 seconds to find out the latest that Kim Kardashian did... really, you'll be better off.

“We’re not trying to ruin your fun by making you take off your headphones. We just want you to be able to hear us if there’s an emergency.” -Patrick Smith

Props to the FAs. I would certainly want to be able to hear everything in an emergency, wouldn't you? No? 

“We ask you to put up the window shade so the flight attendants can see outside in an emergency, to assess if one side is better for an evacuation. It also lets light into the cabin if it goes dark and helps passengers get oriented if the plane flips or rolls over.” -Patrick Smith

Although I think if the airplane flips over passengers will be far more disoriented by the sudden poop in their collective pants, this holds water.  Just listen to your FA... They really do not do all of this in an arbitrary way, they are there for your safety. Honest.

It’s Not All Glamour Up in the Air
“When you get on that airplane at 7 a.m., you want your pilot to be rested and ready. But the hotels they put us in now are so bad that there are many nights when I toss and turn. They’re in bad neighborhoods, they’re loud, they’ve got bedbugs, and there have been stabbings in the parking lot.” -Jack Stephan

We had a pilot stabbed in the parking lot in Raleigh many years ago, an AA pilot was shot in the eye in the parking lot of the training hotel, and of course there have been muggings, etc. Most of the time hotels are decent.... Usually when we stay someplace in a great location or quite a bit fancier than we are used to, our first comment when we walk into the lobby is "This ain't gonna last long."

“Those buddy passes they give us? I give them only to my enemies now. Sure, you can get a $1,000 airfare to Seattle for $100. But since you have to fly standby, it will take you three months to get back because you can’t get a seat.” -Pilot, South Carolina

Hahahaha.... oh, so true. So true. It is amazing how many times people flying standby can get out but not back. 

Here’s a Little More Free Advice
“Cold on the airplane? Tell your flight attendant. We’re in a constant battle with them over the temperature. They’re moving all the time, up and down the aisles, so they are always calling and saying, ‘Turn up the air.’ But most passengers I know are freezing.” -Captain at a major carrier

I don't know any pilot in a battle with the FAs over temperatures. We certainly don't have passengers telling us about the temps during a flight. Our temp controls are separate from theirs, too. On my plane, the back tends to be warm, the front tends to be cold.

“I always tell my kids to travel in sturdy shoes. If you have to evacuate and your flip-flops fall off, there you are standing on the hot tarmac or in the weeds in your bare feet.” -Joe D’Eon

There is something to be said for this. At the least, don't take your flip flops off. You might need your feet to take you over some rough patches. 

“Most people get sick after traveling not because of what they breathe but because of what they touch. Always assume that the tray table and the button to push the seat back have not been wiped down, though we do wipe down the lavatory.” -Patrick Smith

I would go even that the lav has not been wiped, either. On the flip side, don't be a chicken to touch things... who knows where your fingers have been!?

“The general flow of air in any airplane is from front to back. So if you’re really concerned about breathing the freshest possible air or not getting too hot, sit as close to the front as you can. Planes are generally warmest in the back.” -Tech pilot at a regional airline, Texas

Pretty plane specific, but close enough to what I said earlier.

“I know pilots who spend a quarter million on their education and training, then that first year as a pilot, they qualify for food stamps.” -Furloughed first officer, Texas

1/4 Million dollars?!? $250,000?? Really? Where the hell did they go to school? Does Princeton offer an Aviation Management course? WOW! We have had a lot of pilots (and FAs!!) on food stamps. Some of the starting wages are borderline criminal. A post on that to come sometime soon! (in the next 4 years or so, the way I am going....)

“Do pilots sleep in there? Definitely. Sometimes it’s just a ten-minute catnap, but it happens.” -John Greaves

My fav quote-- Captain to First Officer-- "If I wake up and catch you sleeping one more time..."

“People tend to think the airplane is just flying itself. Trust me, that’s not true. It can fly by itself sometimes. But you’ve always got your hands on the controls waiting for it to mess up. And it does mess up.” -Pilot, South Carolina

"...always got your hands on the controls waiting for it to mess up." Wow, this is gonna be one stressed out dude! In nearly 11,000 of part 121 (which means airline) flying and 14 years, I have never had an autopilot kick off for anything other than turbulence, and that was MAYBE 3 times. Less stress there, pilot dude, less stress, please.

“One time I rode in the jump seat of a 747 freighter, which carries cargo, not passengers. As soon as the doors closed, the first officer went in back and put on a bathrobe and slippers. No kidding. He said, ‘I’ll be damned if I’m going to wear a tie for a bunch of boxes.’” -Tech pilot at a regional airline, Texas

Cargo pilots are weird. 

“We don’t wear our hats in the cockpit, by the way. On TV and in the Far Side comic, you always see these pilots with their hats on, and they have their headsets on over the hat, and that always makes us laugh.” -Joe D’Eon

I know a guy who did wear his hat with the headset over it. You all know who these guys are, too.

“Remember this before you complain about the cost of a ticket: Fares today are about the same as they were in the 1980s.” -Patrick Smith

Before deregulation, only 10% of the public had flown. In the late 2000s, only 5% of the public (USA) has not flown. 

A Parting Thought
“Here’s the truth about airline jobs: You don’t have as much time off as your neighbors think you have, you don’t make as much money as your relatives think you make, and you don’t have as many girlfriends as your wife thinks you have. Still, I can’t believe they pay me to do this.” -Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina

I can totally believe they pay me to do this, because I worked my ass off to get to the point where I could get hired, and it cost me a pretty penny. All in all, I love going to work every day. I work with great people, and that makes up for all the political corporate crap you could ever throw at me. If you wanted to have a girlfriend in every 'port,' you would have to be able to get the same schedules, same overnights, over and over... impossible!! I have more time off than an average 9-5 worker, but an unfortunate percentage of it is spent in hotels away from home. Advantage-- when I am home, I am home. They don't call me on my day off and say "Scott, you need to come fly this plane, nobody else can do it!" (although they might not be able to do it with quite the same panache!) Downside, when I am gone, I am gone. If something happens at home, I am hours away, sometimes many, and for our international flying friends, they can be half a world away. I miss my family as much as anyone else does.

Three Things Pilots Will Never Say

I am just going to replace what they wrote with what I have heard....
           "No, thank you, I am not interested in free drinks."
           "A Free USA Today (or Wall Street Journal?) I think I will pass."
           "You know, I make plenty of money, we should all take a pay cut."

If you made it to the end, you are crazier than I am for writing this thing.

Cheers, y'all.